he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
