U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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