dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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