Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
