u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
