How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
