he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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