i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
