What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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