there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
