rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
