After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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