I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
