Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
