Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
