i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
