FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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