mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
