I just pynch a tree in the face
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
