Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
