you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
