the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
