WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
sarcasm needs its own font
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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