So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
