I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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