I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
