If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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