i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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