We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
