So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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