Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
