Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
