this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
