No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
