seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
