just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
