I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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