More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
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Every concussion has its silver lining
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He? As in you personified your dick?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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