Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
