you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I've blown a few things in my day
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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