Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
