am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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