i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
