First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
