it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
