I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
