I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
