your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
