he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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