So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
it's like heaven, but drunker
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
