Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
