its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
