she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize