apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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We had sex on a dog bed..
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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