If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
