I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
