I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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