dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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