I will die if light touches me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
