booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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