it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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